war

Angry_angel1
"Patience is a virtue."

I'm not exactly sure where i got this line but it's been stored in my head for quite sometime now. The problem is, I don't really know what it means cause knowing my personality, patience is not something that can be associated with me. I'm an aggressor. I attack problems head-on. I take extremly rebellious measures to get my point across. At the end of the war, the aftermath is even worse. Everything in sight bleeds. A heavy tint of crimson flows all-over the place... it just makes the survivors re-think and wish that they didn't resort to a bloody commotion to uphold what they believe in. What's even worse is if the person is fighting for something that is really against his will but fought anyway because he felt provoked and he is not going to back down just like that. If this person survives the war, he is left with nothing but regret, wishing that he should have had a more sensible mind coming into the battle.
    Unfortunately for me, I usually tend to be worst of all these cases during battle. I never back down, even if I am fighting for the wrong reasons. I fight aggressively even if I'm really out of place. And after everything else, I'm left with nothing but regret.
    To make everything else a complete disaster, there might have been someone who told advised the warrior to back down. To just let all the anger go away. Let it setlle... then, a peaceful pact can be made after the thickness of all the emotions. If he listened to that voice, then he wouldn't have learned the lesson the hard way. He doesn't have to carry regret with all its weight and pain.
    I guess the point of all these is that one should learn to choose their battles (surely not all of them). One should be clear on what the possible outcomes to could be. Having good foresight is another thing before engaging into something as destructive as this. One must understand the possible consequences BEFORE any form of commotion. One must also learn to swallow once pride once in a while if he knows that he's fighting for the wrong reasons. And lastly, one must understand the meaning of patience. Not to keep on forcing the issue... it just prolongs the battle. It prolongs the pain... It becomes more destructive. Sometimes, one might even be fighting an ally.
    I was watching a cartoon this morning while nibbling on some unwanted breakfast and it really was something that fits this frame of thought. It's about this shaolin kid who wants to learn about fire bending. He asked the master to teach him as fast as possible but the master was insistent on patience and control. The master said that fire was very destructive. The master even told him about a former student of his who didn't understand what control meant. Out of dismay, he sent this student away. Now, on the day that the shaolin kid was finally able to create and manipulate fire, he ends up hurting a friend. The master was very disappointed with the shaolin kid. Suddenly, the former student of the master (the one who was undisciplined and out of control) came to their house in pursuit of proving his master wrong. Arriving in three warships, he showered the little village of the shaolin kid and the master with balls of fire. The master was cornered by the apprentices of the former student so the master created a tornado of fire (him as the center) and vanished from the enemies' sights. Now, the shaolin kid (having heard of what's happening) rushed to the shore to help his master. The former student and the shaolin kid battled. The former student threw generous portions of fire at the shaolin kid but the shaolin kid (after contemplating on the importance of control) just ducked and dodged the attacks. The shaolin kid even hopped on to the 3 ships but the foremer student kept on attacking while the shaolin kid kept on dodging. After all that, the shaolin kid said that the battle was over. The former student asked, "How come? You haven't even launched a single attack?" As the shaolin kid jumped back to the shore, he watched the three buring ships while the former student sank with them.
    That's all for now.....................

The Velveteen Rabbit

Hi guys! Got this from http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/williams/rabbit/rabbit.html. Naalala ko lang na na-encounter ko tong story na to from high school. hope magustuhan niyo kasi ako, natuwa ako at kinapulutan ko naman siya ng aral (or wala lang talaga kong taste. haha.) Ingat lahat. ;p

HERE was once a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginning he was really splendid. He was fat and bunchy, as a rabbit should be; his coat was spotted brown and white, he had real thread whiskers, and his ears were lined with pink sateen. On Christmas morning, when he sat wedged in the top of the Boy's stocking, with a sprig of holly between his paws, the effect was charming.

There were other things in the stocking, nuts and oranges and a toy engine, and chocolate almonds and a clockwork mouse, but the Rabbit was quite the best of all. For at least two hours the Boy loved him, and then Aunts and Uncles came to dinner, and there was a great rustling of tissue paper and unwrapping of parcels, and in the excitement of looking at all the new presents the Velveteen Rabbit was forgotten.


Christmas Morning

For a long time he lived in the toy cupboard or on the nursery floor, and no one thought very much about him. He was naturally shy, and being only made of velveteen, some of the more expensive toys quite snubbed him. The mechanical toys were very superior, and looked down upon every one else; they were full of modern ideas, and pretended they were real. The model boat, who had lived through two seasons and lost most of his paint, caught the tone from them and never missed an opportunity of referring to his rigging in technical terms. The Rabbit could not claim to be a model of anything, for he didn't know that real rabbits existed; he thought they were all stuffed with sawdust like himself, and he understood that sawdust was quite out-of-date and should never be mentioned in modern circles. Even Timothy, the jointed wooden lion, who was made by the disabled soldiers, and should have had broader views, put on airs and pretended he was connected with Government. Between them all the poor little Rabbit was made to feel himself very insignificant and commonplace, and the only person who was kind to him at all was the Skin Horse.

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.


The Skin Horse Tells His Story

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.

There was a person called Nana who ruled the nursery. Sometimes she took no notice of the playthings lying about, and sometimes, for no reason whatever, she went swooping about like a great wind and hustled them away in cupboards. She called this "tidying up," and the playthings all hated it, especially the tin ones. The Rabbit didn't mind it so much, for wherever he was thrown he came down soft.

One evening, when the Boy was going to bed, he couldn't find the china dog that always slept with him. Nana was in a hurry, and it was too much trouble to hunt for china dogs at bedtime, so she simply looked about her, and seeing that the toy cupboard door stood open, she made a swoop.

"Here," she said, "take your old Bunny! He'll do to sleep with you!" And she dragged the Rabbit out by one ear, and put him into the Boy's arms.

That night, and for many nights after, the Velveteen Rabbit slept in the Boy's bed. At first he found it rather uncomfortable, for the Boy hugged him very tight, and sometimes he rolled over on him, and sometimes he pushed him so far under the pillow that the Rabbit could scarcely breathe. And he missed, too, those long moonlight hours in the nursery, when all the house was silent, and his talks with the Skin Horse. But very soon he grew to like it, for the Boy used to talk to him, and made nice tunnels for him under the bedclothes that he said were like the burrows the real rabbits lived in. And they had splendid games together, in whispers, when Nana had gone away to her supper and left the night-light burning on the mantelpiece. And when the Boy dropped off to sleep, the Rabbit would snuggle down close under his little warm chin and dream, with the Boy's hands clasped close round him all night long.

And so time went on, and the little Rabbit was very happy–so happy that he never noticed how his beautiful velveteen fur was getting shabbier and shabbier, and his tail becoming unsewn, and all the pink rubbed off his nose where the Boy had kissed him.

Spring came, and they had long days in the garden, for wherever the Boy went the Rabbit went too. He had rides in the wheelbarrow, and picnics on the grass, and lovely fairy huts built for him under the raspberry canes behind the flower border. And once, when the Boy was called away suddenly to go out to tea, the Rabbit was left out on the lawn until long after dusk, and Nana had to come and look for him with the candle because the Boy couldn't go to sleep unless he was there. He was wet through with the dew and quite earthy from diving into the burrows the Boy had made for him in the flower bed, and Nana grumbled as she rubbed him off with a corner of her apron.


Spring Time

"You must have your old Bunny!" she said.  "Fancy all that fuss for a toy!"

The Boy sat up in bed and stretched out his hands.

"Give me my Bunny!" he said.  "You mustn't say that.  He isn't a toy.  He's REAL!"

When the little Rabbit heard that he was happy, for he knew that what the Skin Horse had said was true at last. The nursery magic had happened to him, and he was a toy no longer. He was Real. The Boy himself had said it.

That night he was almost too happy to sleep, and so much love stirred in his little sawdust heart that it almost burst. And into his boot-button eyes, that had long ago lost their polish, there came a look of wisdom and beauty, so that even Nana noticed it next morning when she picked him up, and said, "I declare if that old Bunny hasn't got quite a knowing expression!"

 

That was a wonderful Summer!

Near the house where they lived there was a wood, and in the long June evenings the Boy liked to go there after tea to play. He took the Velveteen Rabbit with him, and before he wandered off to pick flowers, or play at brigands among the trees, he always made the Rabbit a little nest somewhere among the bracken, where he would be quite cosy, for he was a kind-hearted little boy and he liked Bunny to be comfortable. One evening, while the Rabbit was lying there alone, watching the ants that ran to and fro between his velvet paws in the grass, he saw two strange beings creep out of the tall bracken near him.

They were rabbits like himself, but quite furry and brand-new. They must have been very well made, for their seams didn't show at all, and they changed shape in a queer way when they moved; one minute they were long and thin and the next minute fat and bunchy, instead of always staying the same like he did. Their feet padded softly on the ground, and they crept quite close to him, twitching their noses, while the Rabbit stared hard to see which side the clockwork stuck out, for he knew that people who jump generally have something to wind them up. But he couldn't see it. They were evidently a new kind of rabbit altogether.


Summer Days

They stared at him, and the little Rabbit stared back.  And all the time their noses twitched.

"Why don't you get up and play with us?" one of them asked.

"I don't feel like it," said the Rabbit, for he didn't want to explain that he had no clockwork.

"Ho!" said the furry rabbit.  "It's as easy as anything," And he gave a big hop sideways and stood on his hind legs.

"I don't believe you can!" he said.

"I can!" said the little Rabbit. "I can jump higher than anything!" He meant when the Boy threw him, but of course he didn't want to say so.

"Can you hop on your hind legs?" asked the furry rabbit.

That was a dreadful question, for the Velveteen Rabbit had no hind legs at all! The back of him was made all in one piece, like a pincushion. He sat still in the bracken, and hoped that the other rabbits wouldn't notice.

"I don't want to!" he said again.

But the wild rabbits have very sharp eyes.  And this one stretched out his neck and looked.

"He hasn't got any hind legs!" he called out.  "Fancy a rabbit without any hind legs!" And he began to laugh.

"I have!" cried the little Rabbit.  "I have got hind legs!  I am sitting on them!"

"Then stretch them out and show me, like this!" said the wild rabbit. And he began to whirl round and dance, till the little Rabbit got quite dizzy.

"I don't like dancing," he said.  "I'd rather sit still!"

But all the while he was longing to dance, for a funny new tickly feeling ran through him, and he felt he would give anything in the world to be able to jump about like these rabbits did.

The strange rabbit stopped dancing, and came quite close. He came so close this time that his long whiskers brushed the Velveteen Rabbit's ear, and then he wrinkled his nose suddenly and flattened his ears and jumped backwards.

"He doesn't smell right!" he exclaimed.  "He isn't a rabbit at all!  He isn't real!"

"I am Real!" said the little Rabbit.  "I am Real!  The Boy said so!"   And he nearly began to cry.

Just then there was a sound of footsteps, and the Boy ran past near them, and with a stamp of feet and a flash of white tails the two strange rabbits disappeared.

"Come back and play with me!" called the little Rabbit.  "Oh, do come back!   I know I am Real!"

But there was no answer, only the little ants ran to and fro, and the bracken swayed gently where the two strangers had passed. The Velveteen Rabbit was all alone.

"Oh, dear!" he thought.  "Why did they run away like that?  Why couldn't they stop and talk to me?"

For a long time he lay very still, watching the bracken, and hoping that they would come back. But they never returned, and presently the sun sank lower and the little white moths fluttered out, and the Boy came and carried him home.

 

Weeks passed, and the little Rabbit grew very old and shabby, but the Boy loved him just as much. He loved him so hard that he loved all his whiskers off, and the pink lining to his ears turned grey, and his brown spots faded. He even began to lose his shape, and he scarcely looked like a rabbit any more, except to the Boy. To him he was always beautiful, and that was all that the little Rabbit cared about. He didn't mind how he looked to other people, because the nursery magic had made him Real, and when you are Real shabbiness doesn't matter.

And then, one day, the Boy was ill.

His face grew very flushed, and he talked in his sleep, and his little body was so hot that it burned the Rabbit when he held him close. Strange people came and went in the nursery, and a light burned all night and through it all the little Velveteen Rabbit lay there, hidden from sight under the bedclothes, and he never stirred, for he was afraid that if they found him some one might take him away, and he knew that the Boy needed him.

It was a long weary time, for the Boy was too ill to play, and the little Rabbit found it rather dull with nothing to do all day long. But he snuggled down patiently, and looked forward to the time when the Boy should be well again, and they would go out in the garden amongst the flowers and the butterflies and play splendid games in the raspberry thicket like they used to. All sorts of delightful things he planned, and while the Boy lay half asleep he crept up close to the pillow and whispered them in his ear. And presently the fever turned, and the Boy got better. He was able to sit up in bed and look at picture-books, while the little Rabbit cuddled close at his side. And one day, they let him get up and dress.

It was a bright, sunny morning, and the windows stood wide open. They had carried the Boy out on to the balcony, wrapped in a shawl, and the little Rabbit lay tangled up among the bedclothes, thinking.

The Boy was going to the seaside to-morrow. Everything was arranged, and now it only remained to carry out the doctor's orders. They talked about it all, while the little Rabbit lay under the bedclothes, with just his head peeping out, and listened. The room was to be disinfected, and all the books and toys that the Boy had played with in bed must be burnt.

"Hurrah!" thought the little Rabbit. "To-morrow we shall go to the seaside!" For the boy had often talked of the seaside, and he wanted very much to see the big waves coming in, and the tiny crabs, and the sand castles.

Just then Nana caught sight of him.

"How about his old Bunny?" she asked.

"That?" said the doctor. "Why, it's a mass of scarlet fever germs!–Burn it at once. What? Nonsense! Get him a new one. He mustn't have that any more!"


Anxious Times

And so the little Rabbit was put into a sack with the old picture-books and a lot of rubbish, and carried out to the end of the garden behind the fowl-house. That was a fine place to make a bonfire, only the gardener was too busy just then to attend to it. He had the potatoes to dig and the green peas to gather, but next morning he promised to come quite early and burn the whole lot.

That night the Boy slept in a different bedroom, and he had a new bunny to sleep with him. It was a splendid bunny, all white plush with real glass eyes, but the Boy was too excited to care very much about it. For to-morrow he was going to the seaside, and that in itself was such a wonderful thing that he could think of nothing else.

And while the Boy was asleep, dreaming of the seaside, the little Rabbit lay among the old picture-books in the corner behind the fowl-house, and he felt very lonely. The sack had been left untied, and so by wriggling a bit he was able to get his head through the opening and look out. He was shivering a little, for he had always been used to sleeping in a proper bed, and by this time his coat had worn so thin and threadbare from hugging that it was no longer any protection to him. Near by he could see the thicket of raspberry canes, growing tall and close like a tropical jungle, in whose shadow he had played with the Boy on bygone mornings. He thought of those long sunlit hours in the garden–how happy they were–and a great sadness came over him. He seemed to see them all pass before him, each more beautiful than the other, the fairy huts in the flower-bed, the quiet evenings in the wood when he lay in the bracken and the little ants ran over his paws; the wonderful day when he first knew that he was Real. He thought of the Skin Horse, so wise and gentle, and all that he had told him. Of what use was it to be loved and lose one's beauty and become Real if it all ended like this? And a tear, a real tear, trickled down his little shabby velvet nose and fell to the ground.

And then a strange thing happened. For where the tear had fallen a flower grew out of the ground, a mysterious flower, not at all like any that grew in the garden. It had slender green leaves the colour of emeralds, and in the centre of the leaves a blossom like a golden cup. It was so beautiful that the little Rabbit forgot to cry, and just lay there watching it. And presently the blossom opened, and out of it there stepped a fairy.

She was quite the loveliest fairy in the whole world. Her dress was of pearl and dew-drops, and there were flowers round her neck and in her hair, and her face was like the most perfect flower of all. And she came close to the little Rabbit and gathered him up in her arms and kissed him on his velveteen nose that was all damp from crying.

"Little Rabbit," she said, "don't you know who I am?"

The Rabbit looked up at her, and it seemed to him that he had seen her face before, but he couldn't think where.

"I am the nursery magic Fairy," she said. "I take care of all the playthings that the children have loved. When they are old and worn out and the children don't need them any more, then I come and take them away with me and turn them into Real."

"Wasn't I Real before?" asked the little Rabbit.

"You were Real to the Boy," the Fairy said, "because he loved you.  Now you shall be Real to every one."


The Fairy Flower

And she held the little Rabbit close in her arms and flew with him into the wood.

It was light now, for the moon had risen. All the forest was beautiful, and the fronds of the bracken shone like frosted silver. In the open glade between the tree-trunks the wild rabbits danced with their shadows on the velvet grass, but when they saw the Fairy they all stopped dancing and stood round in a ring to stare at her.

"I've brought you a new playfellow," the Fairy said. "You must be very kind to him and teach him all he needs to know in Rabbit-land, for he is going to live with you for ever and ever!"

And she kissed the little Rabbit again and put him down on the grass.

"Run and play, little Rabbit!" she said.

But the little Rabbit sat quite still for a moment and never moved. For when he saw all the wild rabbits dancing around him he suddenly remembered about his hind legs, and he didn't want them to see that he was made all in one piece. He did not know that when the Fairy kissed him that last time she had changed him altogether. And he might have sat there a long time, too shy to move, if just then something hadn't tickled his nose, and before he thought what he was doing he lifted his hind toe to scratch it.

And he found that he actually had hind legs! Instead of dingy velveteen he had brown fur, soft and shiny, his ears twitched by themselves, and his whiskers were so long that they brushed the grass. He gave one leap and the joy of using those hind legs was so great that he went springing about the turf on them, jumping sideways and whirling round as the others did, and he grew so excited that when at last he did stop to look for the Fairy she had gone.

He was a Real Rabbit at last, at home with the other rabbits.

 


At Last! At Last!

Autumn passed and Winter, and in the Spring, when the days grew warm and sunny, the Boy went out to play in the wood behind the house. And while he was playing, two rabbits crept out from the bracken and peeped at him. One of them was brown all over, but the other had strange markings under his fur, as though long ago he had been spotted, and the spots still showed through. And about his little soft nose and his round black eyes there was something familiar, so that the Boy thought to himself:

"Why, he looks just like my old Bunny that was lost when I had scarlet fever!"

But he never knew that it really was his own Bunny, come back to look at the child who had first helped him to be Real.

pushing your luck...

maraming tao ang swerte at isa na ko sa mga taong iyon... napakaraming beses na isinasaalang-alang ko na lang sa swerte yung mangyayari sa buhay ko. alam mo yun... ung chance na mapunta sa favor mo yung isang pangyayari at yung chance na mayari ka, tag-50% sila. tatrabahuhin ko until that 50 percent becomes possible tapos nun, bahala na si batman kung anong gusto niya mangyari. classic gilbert peren example: magpapraktis ako ng cello. yung steady lang. yung tamang-tama lang. hindi excellent talaga. yung pwede na. tapos darating yung lesson. eh umaga yon. so malamang, kung kilala niyo talaga ko, alam na alam niyong hindi talaga ko natutulog ng maaga. so lesson na nga... yung simula nung lesson, ayos naman. wala namang reklamo. nakabola naman. pero habang tumatagal yung lesson, napapagod na ko at inaantok dahil puyat nga ako as always, yari na to. magagalit na si maam celia sa kin. manggigil na siya. isstomp niya ung paa niya na pagaling pa lang from some badminton injury at blam, masama na naman ang timpla naming dalawa. pero manhid na rin naman ako eventually.... and alam kong mali tong habit na nadedevelop ko. the following lesson, ganun at ganun na naman. iaasa ko na lang sa swerete kung magiging maayos ung lesson ko or hindi. example two, nag-aaral ako for an electronics class. exams na nun. yung buong sem ko sa subject na yon wasn't so good kasi nga parati na lang umaasa na madali yung lalabas. eh apparently, hindi ganun si sir bong. hehehe. parating dapat tricky at komplikado yung mga test niya at hindi pupwede ung hilaw na knowledge para makapasa sa kanya. so dumating na nga yung finals with all the weight in the whole world... dalawa lang yun... i make good in that, i pass... if i dont, yari... take two... and considering na walang breathing room sa units ang ECE (oo, puno yung buong limang taon namin), mahihirapan ka maghabol... so yon na nga... iasa na naman sa swerte yung pagpasa or pagbagsak ko sa class na yun. nagtest. mahirap! lagot..... ulet ng isa pang sem. adjust lahat ng subjects. overload to the max. may threat pa na hindi ka gagraduate on time. give up other things that you could have done kung inayos ko lang yung buhay ko for that particular sem. pero i had to be stubborn. kailangan ko talagang isaalang-alang sa swete yung ganun ka-importanteng bagay. patawa nga eh. after nung sem na yun, nasanay na rin akong magsibagsak... to the point na wala na kong pakialam... sanay na kong umasa sa swerte... what happened? struggle ako ngayon para lang makahabol sa mga batchmates. para makasama sila sa thesis and hopefully sa grad. kitams? simple lang naman di ba? liit na bagay... mag-aaral lang naman ako talaga... just like what a normal student would do pero anong ginawa ko? pushed my luck... sinaid ko talaga at blag! crisis ako ngayon.

yung point lang siguro, may mga oras talaga na swerte talaga tayo... pero meron din namang mga oras na sobrang hindi talaga. so i suggest na before doing anything that's super adventurous, i think its important for u to know kung gaano ba talaga kalalim yung posibleng effect niya say u palampasin ka ng swerte or hindi. kumbaga in sociological terms, ung latent effect niya. hindi man siya evident for the mean time pero in the long run, yari ka talaga. i guess the once that are life-changing should stay in the realm of "paghahandaan ko ng maigi" kesa "bahala na talaga". take it from me... ;p

Esmeralda

hahaha... tagal ko ng hindi nagsusulat! yeah! nakaka-miss! anyway, I wrote this one for English class kaya todo haba. hahaha... nagdugo ilong ko dito ng ilang oras. haha. nwei, enjoy na lang. btw... hi jen! special mention ka dito! love yah! ;p

            "My heart is beating, bursting out of my chest. I’m full of anxiety because after a decade of separation, I’m about to see you once again. I strip you naked, unzipping your padded black jacket and behold, your majestic body is standing bare in front of me. I squint my eyes in disbelief because I’ve never seen you in your vulnerability for a while. I touch your curves and voluptuous figure; and I can’t help but slap myself because this scene is surreal for I thought this would never happen again. After an eternity of amazement and awe, my heart beats faster than ever as I spread my legs, rest your back to my chest and lock you with my thighs. I rest my chin on your shoulders and moved my hands on your smooth, light-brown colored skin. I felt at home. I felt comfortable. Finally, we’re back together again my dear Esmeralda.

            I got the gadget that would establish the connection that we once lost. I take it out of its hideout. I take a deep breath and prepared. I stroke your strings with this gadget and tried to play the music that was very dear to me, the song that we used to make with every encounter that we had. I place my fingers, the fingers that were conditioned to give justice to your potential. The dexterous and muscular fingers full of calluses that used to run through your neck and your strings. I start stroking but something doesn’t feel right. It seems that your body is slipping from the lock of my things. My right shoulder is getting cramped with all of the stroking while the fingers on my left hand are hitting all of the wrong positions on your strings. Embarrassing. I sigh in dismay and recall what happened when we got separated.

            It was two months ago when we were preparing for our recital. Whenever the clock stroke 12 midnight, we would have our evening sessions. We would start with the usual warm-ups and exercises before proceeding to the piece. It would usually take us about 40 minutes before we proceed with the next part of our session. After conditioning my rusty joints and stiff muscles, we would then proceed to practicing our piece. First, we would take it in a slow pace so as to practice the accuracy of my fingers in hitting (and memorizing) the right positions that would make the correct sound out of you. This would also enhance my stamina to maintain lengthy strokes. After the slow pace, we would then proceed to a quicker pace, the correct pace of the piece. In this way, I would be able to get used to the actual performance level of the piece. Our evening sessions would usually take us an hour and a half, preparing intently for our coming performance on the weekend of the last week of September. After our practice, we would end everything with the familiar tune, a Filipino lullaby done by a famous OPM rock band. After the final note of that tune, I would put your clothes back on and place you on your home by my dimly lit, wooden desk. Sometimes, I don’t even put your clothes back on out of exhaustion (or laziness) and jump straight to bed as you lie naked by my side. This usually was the set-up every night.

            One week before the recital, we had a rehearsal at the Abelardo Concert Hall, the actual venue of our recital. So far, this is probably the biggest concert hall that we will be playing in. Compared to Miraim where we used to have lessons, the Abelardo Concert Hall is almost three times the size of the hall in Miriam. We went to the back stage as I hold you with my trembling, cold hands. The first performer went well as I applauded him. Then, the next performer played and he did a splendid job as well. My teacher (who was sitting in front of the black grand piano on the stage) called on me and said that it was my turn. I marched with caution towards the chair at the center of the stage. Like what we used to do, I placed your back on my legs that are spread and locked you with my thighs. I looked around for a while but no matter how hard my eyes try to reach, it was useless. The spotlights were glowing like the sun that it blinded me from everything else. I tried to readjust my eyes to give the empty seats at least a glance but fog seemed to have covered the whole vicinity. All I could see was you. This is between you and me, just like our evening sessions.  I swallowed a spoonful of saliva, inhaled as deep as I could, exhaled with all my might and waited for my queue given by the piano’s brilliant introduction to our piece. After the introduction sounded, I started running my trembling fingers on your long and smooth neck, pressing your strings against them as dexterously as I could. While at it, I stroked with the proper combinations of force and gentleness using with the bow. The first movement of the piece was fast and running and I have to say that it went well. Now, the second movement was slow, just like a mother singing her lullaby to a baby to put the angel to sleep. Finally, the third movement was comprised of a big finale. The rehearsal went well and by that time, I mustered enough confident that we are going to redeem what we have worked for the longest time in the following week’s recital.

            The week before the recital was made of sleepless nights. I kept on tossing around my head images and thoughts for the coming recital. I sometimes imagine myself making a mess during our recital. For example, I might have a mental block that will totally demolish the strong structure of my knowledge in playing you. I’m also afraid that I snap one of your strings while playing. In effect, I end up getting out of bed, picking you up and practicing until my eyes and my whole body won’t allow me to proceed any further. The next day, I would receive a barrage of praises and people inviting their selves to our recital. I had no choice but to say yes because I also wanted to feel supported that might boost my confidence during the performance. Pressure mounted like a pile of garbage in Smokey Mountain. It kept on pilling and I don’t even know how I would dispose of it. They just kept on coming and getting even heavier.

            The morning of the recital came. Before proceeding to the back stage of the Concert Hall, I met some of my friends and family who were going to watch me. They bid me good luck, slapped a few palms and had a lot of hugs from the people who have been dear to me. Afterwards, I proceeded to our classroom for some warm-ups and exercises to condition my fingers for the performance so as to avoid immediate exhaustion and other probable consequences. I also had to check if you were in tune so that when we play our piece, we would give justice to the piece that a brilliant composer wrote.

            When we were good-to-go, we proceeded (along with the other musicians and my teacher) to the backstage of the Concert Hall. I was given final pointers from the teacher and she bid us good luck.

            The recital began and the cellists were the first to experience hell. I was the last among the cellists so I didn’t really feel tension. We stood at the backstage, calmly checking on you once in a while if you were in the proper condition. I also said to myself repeatedly, “Kaya ‘to,” until it was our turn to face the music.

            I glided through the stage’s shinny and newly waxed floor while carrying you with my right hand and the bow on my left. Again, I mounted your foot on the floor, piercing through the stage’s wooden flooring. I sat down on the padded steel chair and placed your waists between my thighs and locked you up. I held my head up to check if I could see my supporters in the crowd but there was nobody but a heavy pitch of black due to the blinding rays of the spotlight. I then realized that what we are about to perform was the sum total of all the effort that I placed on you. All the sleepless nights, the 12 midnight sessions and the countless hours of practice are equal to this defining moment. Fortunately, I was not at all bothered with all the pressure that I was saturated to. All I was concerned of was the two of us making music together, unveiling what we have done, and flaunting the fruits of our labor.

            The introduction sounded and I listened intently to it, waiting for the right time to begin our piece. I stroked my first note and ran through the first movement. As my cousin told me after the recital, “I made the other cellists look bad during the first movement….” I went through it as if it was an integral part of me; as if it came came along with me the night my creator gave life to me. Confidence was on my side so when I was about to strike the first note of the second movement. I gave it my all. To my surprise, as I slid my finger to the lower part of your neck to reach a high note, your footing collapsed! The hole that I made on the stage that I thought would hold you strong just didn’t make it. You slid out of my thighs so I had to pull your whole body back to its upright place between my thighs using my fingers while proceeding with the piece so I kept on hitting the wrong notes. Even the use of the bow became so poor due to all of the commotion. What made everything even more difficult was that the floor was newly waxed so you kept on sliding out of place because the only support holding you from moving are my thighs. Since my pants and your skin were slippery, whenever I move to different positions of your neck, your whole body moves along with it. This struggle went on until I hit the last note of our piece.

            It was a disaster! I can’t imagine how I was going to face my sister (who is also a musician and a pretty good one too) when the whole recital was over. I didn’t know what I would say to my teacher for she had been patient with me during the whole semester that we were having lessons. All I could say to my self was that I blew it and I couldn’t replace the events that took place. I won’t have another chance to redeem our hard work. That was our defining moment and I made a gigantic mess out of it. I kept on saying to myself that that event didn’t serve justice to all of the painstaking practices that we went through. I didn’t deserve to play in a slippery floor and make a complete fool out of myself. I am definitely better than the fool the people saw chasing after you as you kept on sliding away from me. SoI had to ask myself, “Am I not really made for you?”

            After my contemplation, I went to check on what’s left of the recital. I met with my supporters and I simply couldn’t show my face to any of them. I was holding myhead low the whole time. Some of the parents of the other musicians approached me and said that they liked my piece but in my head is a deafening tone speaking of failure and disgust. After a few greetings and small talks, I went to my teacher and said how sorry I was that I made her look bad in front of the audience. I even told her that I was going to look for another teacher, feeling that I wasn’t worth her time and efforts. Obviously she was upset with me, just like how upset I was with myself. But instead of pounding more negative shit to my body, she just told me what I could have done to avoid another instance like that. She told me that I should get used to using a stopper, a gadget made of chain that is connected to the foot of the chair in one end and your leg on the other. She also told me to loosen up and to make good on the next recital. But I didn’t hear any of this during that moment. I was still too busy pitying myself from the incident.

            I went out for a meal with the people close to me and then we went home. I carried you on my back and unloaded you underneath the flight of stairs going to the second floor of our house. From that day on, I swore to myself that I wouldn’t meet with you for a while.

There were nights when I lay restless on my bed, tossing and turning because I longed to be with you again. But I was too afraid to rekindle the bad memories that I had during the recital so I had to get used to not being with you for a while. After several days, I was able to get used to living without you. I spent more time on other things such as Church work, schoolwork, playing with the guitar, sports and wasting away in from of the computer. As for you, you were just lying there, underneath the stairs, waiting anxiously for someone to strip you bear once again. Beside you were my sister and brother’s violins. You must be steaming with jealousy because the violins were being used while you were just getting out of tune, kicked by accident, engulfing dirt and neglected as if you didn’t exist, as if we didn’t even spend a single moment together.

            Two months have passed ever since the recital.

Over the phone, I was talking to a girl about how she loved the sound of the cello because she went to a musical where the UST Orchestra provided the necessary music for the said event. We conversed about music for a while until she told me to play her something from you. At first, I was hesitant because for two long months, we have not seen each other. But I was particularly fond of this girl so I decided to give it a try. I rushed down stairs and picked you up. You were covered with dust that my contact lenses became itchy as dust particles fluttered into the air after I pulled you up. I sneezed a few times and rushed back to my room.

            Wanting to please the girl on the other line, I struggle to get the right notes out of you. I struggle to make the right sounds given the right amount of pressure on your strings to give life and make you sing with all your potential once again. I press my fingers on your strings and your neck once again, struggling to get the right positions. It was very painful. The calluses that I used to have are thinner now. The girl on the other line remains quiet as I close my eyes to feel the music that we used to make without any effort. After the Filipino lullaby, I just had to take a breather. So much effort was used on that particular event unlike before, it was a whole lot easier. Then, I ask her how I sounded. She says that I play well, but I say that I am not. We argue about this after for a while until she sort of convinced me that I could really play (or she really has no idea on what she’s saying). After a few more topics, we end our conversation as we say good night to each other.

            Hanging up the phone, I spend time with you once again. It is more difficult this time because my fingers have gone out of shape. The competence that I once had went down the drain. After playing a few old tunes that I used to enjoy, I clothe you and place you back to your old place beside my brown, wooden desk.

            I realize how you have been a big part of me. That no matter how immense an obstacle maybe, that is no reason for anyone or anything to stop following what one believes in. Sure, you were slipping out of me when while we were at the most defining of our togetherness (just like marriage) but that doesn’t mean that we are incapable. If the floor wasn’t slippery, I’m sure we would have done a better job. Or if I got used to using a stopper earlier, we would have pulled it through. I know that getting back on what we left two months ago is going to be difficult but that is not a reason for me to stop and quit. As long I believe that it’s worth it, I must and will work to squeeze out the best in us.

I’m sorry, Esmeralda for our separation. I’m sorry that I was weak and afraid. I’m sorry that for two months, you didn’t exist and considered you a mere musical instrument. Sorry I didn’t give justice to the one who gave you life. You maybe a cello but I gave you a name. and together, we have done considerably good things. You brought out the musician in me while I brought out the music out of you.

tinatamad

andami-dami kong pwedeng gawin sa oras ko. pwede akong mag-aral hanggang matuyo ang mga mata ko, maging pasas ang brain ko at pulikatin ang mga daliri ko kakasulat... pwede rin naman akong magvaristy at mag-practice hanggang pulikatin yung claf muscles ko, mangalay ang aking kamay hanggang pumatak na lang sila at matuyuan ako ng water sa katawan hanggang mukha na kong dried sampaloc... pwede rin akong mag-guitar ng mag-guitar hanggang sumapal ng todo ang kalyo sa mga daliri ko, tuluyang malagas yung mga kuko ko kaka-strum at matilansikan ng string na gamit na gamit na... kay ganda ng mga kapalit nito... pwede akong maging regular honors student at pag-aagawan ako ng mga kompanya pagtagal, maging super lupet na athlete na halos wala na kong kapantay at maliksi pa ang katawan ko o kaya maging world class musician na nag-uumapaw sa salapi at ang kasikatan ko, daig pa ang araw.

pero anong ginagawa ko ngayon.....

kumakaen hanggang mabondat.... natutulog hanggang sumakit ang ulo.... nakikipag-chat hanggang tumaas ng tuluyan ang electric bill namin... nanonood ng mga pelikula... nagsusulat sa blog... nakikipagkwentuhan... naglalaro ng NBA live at DOTA at pagkatapos ng lahat... magyoyosi... matutulog na ulet... anong maidudulot sa kin nito? headache na wala namang narating kundi mag-champion sa isang liga na hindi naman talaga nabubuhay kundi sa kathang-isip ko lang at sa computer ko, mananaba ako at mahihirapan akong huminga at mauubos ang oras ko nang walang nararating na kahit ano...

alam ko naman ang tama... pero bakit hindi ko ginagawa?

alam ko naman ang mabubuti at masasamang dulot ng oras na hindi nagamit ng maganda. pero anuman ang gawin kong pag-convince sa sarili ko, nauuwi pa rin ako sa mga bagay na nakauubos lang ng oras ko... at walang nakukuhang kahit na ano...

tinatamad kasi ako...

ang hirap-hirap kalabanin nito. karaniwan kasi ng mga sitwasyong kinahaharap ko, pilit kong pinapasok ang pinakamadaling solusyon... para akong tipikal na Pilipino... magbababa na lang ng pasahero, sa gitna pa ng klasada... pagsisilbihan na lang ang bayan... may bahagdan pa siyang napakalaki... ipagpipilitan ang kinikilala niyang "interes ng bayan" pero sa likod ng kanyang utak, sariling interes ang nais mabigyang lunas... makakita lang ng kaunting mali sa sistema, protesta na agad... at inaasam na magbabago na parang magic ang sitwasyon ng kahirapan... magrarally na lang kesa magtrabaho... imbis na kunin ang pera sa legal na paraan, magnanakaw na lang, manggugulang, magbabarker ng jeep o manlilimos... tapos ng lahat ng ito, ang perang naipon ko ay mauuwi na lang sa mga bisyo ko o pambayad ng utang... sa susunod na araw, kayod na naman. kung hindi, ipagdarasal na lang ng mataimtim sa panginoong Diyos na baguhin nawa ang kapalaran ko... pero kapag minalas, sisisihin ko siya...

leche...

paano na ko aasenso niyan? problema'y patong-patong na... dahil tinatamad ako noon pa.

eh kung tamarin pa rin ako lalo, todas na talaga...

mahirap talagang gumising ng maaga... mahirap talagang mamasahe papuntang eskwela o trabaho... mahirap manatiling gising sa magdamagang aral o trabaho. pero kung ulit-ulitin ko ang ganito kasimpleng mga metodo... siguro magiging madali siya sa mga susunod na araw... gaya ng pagkasanay ko sa katamaran ko...

kung aminin ko at tanggapin na wala na talaga akong pag-asa... siguradong wala na kong pag-asa...

kung buhay ko o ng pinakamalapit na tao sa akin ang nakataya, tatamarin pa kaya ako?

comfort objects

wow... tagal ko na palang hindi nagsusulat. hehehe.

comfort objects are one of the best things that the world has to offer to us. for example, ako, gusto kong nakikinig ng music ng discman habang umiinom ng mango+strawberry shake at kumakaen ng big mac... yown... sabay yosi kapag busog na... yeah! iniisip ko pa lang, may kiliti na agad sa kin. eh ikaw? ano bang comfort objects mo?

eh pano kung masira yung headset ng discman ko? o kaya pano kapag naubos yung strawberry sa buong baguio? tapos magsara yung mcdo dahil mashado nagkaroon sila ng civil war against jollibee tapos natalo sila... tapos lahat ng tobacco plants, natuyo dahil umabot sa 50 degrees yung temperature sa pinas? thinking about it, ang lungkot di ba? paano na ko? saan na ko pupunta? paano kung stressed na stressed na ko mula sa kung anu-anong pain na binibigay ng mundo sa akin? anong excape ko? alam kong for a while, mawawala ako... pero dapat maghanap ulet ako ng bagong comfort objects... yung magiging escape ko... yung magbibigay sa kin ng saya ng walang ka-effort effort.

ang problema lang siguro dun sa mga comfort objects natin, we sometimes identify ourselves with as those comfort objects. akala natin, sila yung bumubuong pagkatao natin. halimbawa, kung may car ako, tapos nabangga tayo, kelangan ipadala sa CASA yung kotse di ba? feeling natin, may malaking chunk sa tin ang nawala when in fact, hindi naman talaga. pwede ka namang maglakad, mag-MRT, magbike or mag-commute. but still, hindi natin matanggap na wala nga tlaaga siya... yun bagay na nakasanayan mo na. eto nga yung problema kapag sobrang attached na tayo... nawawala yung pagkatao natin.. yung pagka-independent natin. yung potential natin to excel. yung sky na ang bukod-tanging limit natin. hindi ba? if we identify ourselves closely to our friends, tapos biglang kailangan niyang mag-abroad... ang sakit-sakit nun. kay sakit nun... sobra. oo.. hindi naman object yan eh... tao naman so may excuse ka na malungkot. NOT! take note na in order to care for others, one must learn to care for yourself muna... how can you extend yourself kung kinukulang ka sa sarili mo? so... i can classify this as care but DEPENDENCE. malalaki na naman tayo... kaya na nating tumayo sa mga sarili nating mga paa on some aspects (except siguro financially... haha.)

siguro... para lang huwag kang mashadong mawala, kapag may-comfort object ka, sana maintindihan natin na object lang talaga siya and our over dependence will make us weak and vulnerable.

habits

walang bagay sa buong mundo ang permanente... kahit ang bato, pakonti-konting inaagos ng hangin at ng rumaragasang tubig... ang style and fashion, mashadong obvious na hindi permanent... pati ang ugali ng tao, hindi nanatili... oras-oras, magbabago ang tao... pero merong isang bagay na sa tingin ko, malapit-lapit sa permanence... these are habits. halimbawa smoker ka, napakahiram tanggalin sa sistema ng isang tao ang paninigarilyo... one way or another, lalo na kapag stressed ka, mapapabili ka talaga ng isang pack ng marlboro lights, olivenza bueno matches at tatambay sa SPG sa may CTC/SOM at hayun... bombing your lungs like there's no tomorrow... before you know it, grasping for air ka na by the age of 40 and cursing yourself na hindi ka na lang nagstart... while doing that, yosi ka muna... kaka-stress isipin yun eh. haha. kunwari sanay kang matulog ng alas-dos ng madaling araw, araw-araw... mas mahirap yon... kahit na ba 7:30 classes ka sa susunod na araw, ganoon pa rin ang magiging tulog mo so you're doomed. pasalamat ka na lang kung hindi pre-historic na teacher na mas matanda pa sa school mo ang kaharap mo sa umaga... else, ask me what it's all about... hehehe. (joke lang father. hindi na po ako nag-iisip... ;p) last example... kunwari sanay kang tumatawag sa bf/gf gabi-gabi para kausapin siya... kahit bad trip ka or naiinis ka sa kanya, may force talagang hihila sa yo papunta sa lugar ng telepono... iddial ang 9*****7 tas kabom, "hello, pde po bang makausap si **p**?"... yon na... mas lalo naman kapag break na kayo... akala mo ordinary day pa rin at same routine... sobrang automatic... galing talaga.

habits are really tough to break... its a big part of you... halos kapantay na siya ng kahalagahan ng paghinga natin, pagtibok ng puso natin para dumaloy ang oxygenated blood sa katawan natin... kapag pinuputol natin yung flow, para tayong nasasakal... parang may kulang... parang... mapapasigaw ka na lang ng, "NNNNnnnNnnnnnooOOOOooOo!!!!!!!" ok lang siguro kung good habits siya such as regularly practicing to improve your athletic skills, honing your musical talent, studying para maka-DL, brushing your teeth three times a day, eating three meals a day, etc. pero if its a bad habit... its really going to be tough for you. sana lang you don't cling on it so long na it infects your whole system... it destroys your life... makes you dum as a rock... useless as garbage (mas useful pa nga ang garbage... pde recycle. ;p) sige.. shit na lang. haha. ay... may kwneta rin pala yon... fertilizer... ANYWAY, as much as possible, huwag sana tayong magpapalulong sa bad habits natin kasi tayo rin ang magdurusa. it's easier said than done though... alam na alam ko yun. sana nga in a snap, we can break our habits... siguro para lang magbago yung bad habits natin, why don't we try something new in our lives... learn something new, go to places that you have never been to, play a sport that you think that you will never learn... malay mo you might love them pala... alot more time on different things and before you know it, hindi mo na ginagawa yung bad habits mo...

the sad part nga lang siguro is that we might mistake our bad habits as "sanctuaries" (safe places/comfort zones)... mali yun... importante rin siguro na may outsiders point of view telling you na it's a not a really "helpful" thing for you... so in case or crticisms, sana mas maging open minded tayo.

habits... nakatira sa shire... haha. ;p

nalulunod

Dscf0229_1 merong nagsabi sa kin... or nabasa ko... or basta... kinwento niya sa kin yung tungkol sa pagkalunod. ang galing talaga. ganito yun... kapag itinapon ka sa gitna ng karagatang pasipiko for some strange reason (mashado kang makulit sa klase, mashado kang gwapo, etc.) tapos hindi ka marunong lumangoy (or kahit marunong ka), ganito yung pwedeng mangyari sa yo: una, pwede kang magfloating sandali... paano? igagalaw mo yung paa at mga kamay mo... kung mapagod ka, tigil ka muna... straight body tapos kusa kang lulutang (dead man's float sabi nga ng teacher ko sa swimming nung 10 years old pa ko)... yung problema nga lang, wala kang hangin so gagawa ka ng hugis puso using your arms tapos grasp for some oxygen when your head goes above the surface... so swimming ka na lang ulet... pag napagod, same routine... yung problema nga lang doon, wala kang makikita kundi TTTTTUUUUUBBBBIIIIGGGG... no land... siguro pwede ka rin manood ng moon and stars sa gabi, tapos sunset and sunrise sa umaga (oh yehes....) pero... ummm.... MAMAMATAY KA NA!!! GAGO!!! anong kakainin mo??? siguro... mag-filter feed ka na lang sa hangin at sana may tingang dumapo sa yo... haha... kasi kung may isda man sa mga lugar na yun, pating yon or whale so wag ka na... mauuhaw ka? ayan oh andaming tubig! problema... dehydrated ka nga lang! lalamunin ng salt partivles lahat ng natitira mong tubig sa katawan. yehey! kapag wala ka ng pagkukunan ng energy (unless may solar pannels yung balat mo), magpaalam ka na... bibigay na yung muscles mo so hindi ka na makalalangoy pang muli... so eto na, lulubog ka... adrenalin rush siyempre so gagalaw uncontrolably yung mga galamay mo therefore, mapapagod ka at mauubos yung natitirang energy mo sa katawan. sumigaw ka man, wala ring mangyayari... ang masama pa dun, habang sumisigaw ka, pumapasok yung salt water sa bunganga mo... before you know it, redefined na ang dead man's float

kadalasan... kapag iniisip natin ang tubig, hindi naman talaga pagkalunod ang iniisip ng nakararami (unless may kagat ka ng pating sa bewang or may hydrophobia ka since birth na nakuha mo sa pusonng nanay mo) pero kadalasan, life ang ibig sabihin ng tubig. nang magpadala ng electronic space expolrers sa buwan, nakakita sila ng mga natuyong mga canal therefore, sinasabing may life nga sa buwan. kapag may tuyot sa gitnang Luzon, marami-raming tao ang hindi kakain at pag dumating na ang ulan, masaya na ang lahat... mabubuhay nang muli ang mga nalatang halaman... sabi rin na mas matagal kang mamamatay ng walang pagkain kaysa pag walang tubig.

ganito rin siguro kapag nagmamahal tayo... akala natin napakamabulaklak ng mga pagsasama... na ang buong mundo'y titigil talaga kapag nakita mo ang gusto mong mapangasawa... na ang ang iniirog natin ay ibabalik ang kaparang pag-mamahal... na makukumpleto ang ating buhay... sa sine lang ata nangyayari ang ganon... kung pwede lang sa totoong buhay...... marahil sa honeymoon stage, possible ang ganyan... pero sa totoo, it requires so much work... it requires so much self set aside... kahit pride... lloving someone is not all that good... you hafta trust someone, na hindi mo kadugo, ng buong sarili mo... your words mean so much...your actions are priceless... you must be considerate... you must forgive... whew...

assuming that love is the ocean... picture this...a couple agrees to go on a dangerous trip... for fun daw kasi medyo adventurous daw. then the perfect storm comes na may waves to as high as 30 feet. you AGREED na walang iwanan... na if you die together, you'll die together... if you live, you live together... natakot yung kasama mo... nauubos na yung boat ninyo... nalalagas na... at ang ginawa niya, tinapon ka sa dagat... iniligats niya ang sarili niya at your expense... after niyong magkasundo... after all that happened... after everything that you have done, iiwanan ka niya para malunod nang nag-iisa... should you survive, you'll probably out to kill the person... hopefully somebody else will come along to save you... sana dalhin ka ng waves sa shore (parang yung puerto experience namin)... what i'm trying to say is that its really going to be tough getting over such a traumatic event such as that. thing is, gusto mo pa ba ulet na mag-journey sa dagat kung mabuhay ka? stay on land ka muna? pano yung nagtapon sa yo? mapapatawad mo pa ba siya?

game over

Dscf0277 nung mga bata pa tayo, napagaan ng buhay... simpleng paglalaro ng dampa, teks, sipa, jolen, patintero, tumbang preso, tuwang-tuwa na tayo. mga career natin noon, expert gamer sa pac-man, mario bros, galaga, basketball sa liga... nang unang mabuo ang star city, enchanted kingdom, water fun at splash island, akala mo wala ng bukas kung mag-enjoy tayo. sobrang surreal ng lahat ng experiences na yun at kung ipagmalaki natin sa mga kaibigan natin, hanep talaga! lalo kapag nasakyan mo yung wild river or space shuttle, para ka nang diyos. mga problema natin noon, kapag napagalitan tayo ng teacher dahil nakikipagdaldalan tayo tungkol sa magic cards, kapag na-confiscate yung game and watch natin, dehado ka dahil tinalo ka sa tekken 2, kung paano mo kakausapin yung crush sa kapitbahay or pinapatulog tayo ng mga yaya natin sa tanghali. ang saya di ba? pure clean fun. ngayong tumatanda na tayo, lalong lumalalim ang mga problema natin... struggle para makapasa sa college, lahat ng pangungulit ng magulang para makakuha tayo ng disenteng trabaho ay nariyan na, napakarami ring emotional encounters na potek... sasakalin talaga yung mga ugat natin na akala natin katapusan na natin at drop dead within 2 seconds, dealing with break ups, takot na baka nakabuntis or buntis ka, nabangga mo yung kotse ng erpats mo, umuwi kang laseng at nagsuka sa lapag at tinulugan mo lang tapos amoy suka yung buong bahay, pagbbudget ng allowance mo, etc... ano yung mga sanhi ng kasiyahan natin ngayon? green jokes na siguro, sadistic encounters, power tripping, bisyo, computer games tungkol sa patayan, porn, etc. won't it be nice to get away from all of these... alam mo na... clean fun... kantahan, kite flying, swimming.. yung problem lang siguro, you only get to do these kind of things kapag may bakasyon or leave tayo... kaya we resort to the not-so-pleasant fun that we have nowadays. sad noh? sobrang inevitable talaga ng growing up... it either we mature along with it or maging iresponsable na lang tayo habang buhay... mabuhay na parang pangarap. mag-enjoy.. mag-good time. mabuhay tayo sa pera ng mga magulang natin for the rest of our lives. mangutang pag tuyot na talaga yung wallet mo. hay... stagnation... by the time yr around 40 years old tapos ganyan ka pa rin, anong labas mo??? well.... ganito lang yan... babalikan ka ng mga inutangan mo to the point na pwede ka na nilang ipakulong (siguro may kaso ka na for writing post-dated checks), mapapaaga yung buhay ng mga magulang kasi instead na masaya na silang ineenjoy yung inipon nila from their work, pinakakain ka pa rin nila, kung may asawa at mga anak ka, siguro sinusumpa ka na nila dahil wala ka pa ring trabaho at pabigat kang talaga. mahiya ka naman! para saan pa yung investment ng magulang mo sa pag-aaral mo? dapat pinang-euro trip na lang nila hindi ba? kahit na nasa matinong mga school tayo ngayon... hindi pa rin maiiwasan ang stagnation. dapat ba siyang katakutan? isipin mo... wala kang gagawin at hindi ka naman nagugutom... magpapaka-passive ka lang... magpapakamanhid......well, hindi lang ikaw ang tao sa buong mundo. may mga taong umiinog sa paligid mo. kailngan mo silang pakialaman. ayaw mo man tanggapin, may utang na loob ka pa rin sa magulang mo. matagal-tagal na rin tayong humihingi ng pera sa kanila ng walang pakundangan...huwag naman na natin mashadong patagalin. isipin mo man na mahal na mahal ka nila at hindi ka nila pababayaan dahil pamilya sila, well... totoo yun... yung point lang siguro, mahiya naman tayo. sabayan naman natin ang agos ng buhay...i-confront at mag-mature... hirap noh? wala namang nagsabing madali eh. konswelo mo na lang siguro kung enjoy ka sa work or studies mo pero the rest of the way, it ain't gonna be easy. hay... sarap maging bata ulet noh? ;p

fault finders

sila na siguro ang pinakanakaiinis na mga tao sa buong mundo... sila yung kayang punahin yung pinakasimpleng katangahan mo... sila'y mga makinang may kakayahang hulihin ang ga-bulbol na mali na iyong ginawa (or detalye about you) ... kung mapuna nila ang mga simpleng pagkakamali, akala mo sila ang pinakamagagaling, ang perpekto, ang walang kapara... sila ang fault finders. nabubuhay sila sa para sa iisang napakasimpleng bagay. ang makahanap ng mali and make you pay for it big time. more or less, naka-encounter na kayo ng mga tulad nila. maaaring siya yung math teacher mo na binawasan ka ng 5 points out of fifteen dahil walang equal sign yung final answer mo. pwede rin siyang maging misinformed freshman na wala ng ginawa kundi punahin, magreklamo at magmarunong habang pinupuna niya sa blog entry niya yung ORSEM. pwede rin siyang maging chinese na mom na hindi ka tinigilan dahil bumabagsak ka raw dahil sa girlfreind mong pilipina. pwede rin namang yung boyfriend/girlfriend mo na walang humpay sa sermon dahil hindi mo ma-meet yung napakababang expectations niya. hindi talaga sila masarap kausap or mabasa (kung writer man siya)... nakakainis pa pag binobroadcast nila yung mali mong napakaselan at kinaiingatan mo... kunwari, ayaw mong pinag-uusapan yung balat mo sa pwet, bigla siyang hihirit sa harapan ng napakaraming tao in a form of a joke yung tungkol dun. dehado ka dun. mapapamura ka talaga... tipong gusto mong pagulungin sa field yung gago at sikuhin yung mga mata niya hanggang magdugo at tuluyan siyang mabulag. tignan na lang natin kung makahanap pa siya ng mali. pero sa katunayan, ok rin namang nariyan sila. isipin niyo na lang kunwari kung walang nakakapuna sa mga mali mong ginagawa. eh di paulit-ulit ka ng gagawa ng katangahan. eh kung ikaw pa yung tipong walang pakialam sa opinyon ng iba at napakatigas ng ulo na parang hindi natututo, todas ka na. malulugmok ka sa dark side sa kadahilanang hindi mo nakita yung mali mo at walang nagpamukha sa yo. bakit nga ba sila nagiging ganun? tingin ko kasi, napagdaanan na nila yung mga ganoong bagay kaya mayroon talaga silang kapangyarihan para pagsalitaan ka ng ganoon. ayaw siguro nilang matulad ka sa kanila. marahil gusto nilang lumaban at maging higit na competitive ka pa kasi nakikinita kung ano ang kaya mo pang gawin. kung ganoon man ang intensyon nila, pagpalain nawa sila ng panginoong diyos at ipagpatuloy nila ang ginagawa nilang kabutihan. maaari rin namang gusto nilang maging magkatulad kayo. gusto niyang i-equip yung mga paniniwala niya na nagwowork sa para sa kanya. siguro, gusto niya ng karamay... marahil, gusto niya ng kakampi... kung ganito naman yung gusto niyang mangyari, sana maintindihan niya na magkakaiba ang mga tao... na walang iisang paraan o estilo sa paggawa ng mga bagay-bagay... na may kanya-kanya tayong kakayahan at kahinaan. kailangan niyang maintindihan yung salitang diversity. sorry to say pero hindi ikaw ang basihan ng pagkabuhay ng sambayanan. para naman sa mga fault finders na ang tanging dahilan ng kanilang mga hilaw na pag-atake sa mga katngahan mo sa ikatutuwa niya at your expense, huwag ka na lang sana magsalita... kasi hindi ka nakakatulong. actually, nakakasama ka pa nga eh... gets naman di ba?

PS: pasensya sa napakaseryosong entry na to... bad trip lang talaga ako.